in my head
i try not to live in the past, but to look forward to the future. i find myself thinking about summer- the fun it entails- the activities that we do. it always leads me right back to where i didn't want to go- the fact that chris will not be there with us.for the longest time i couldn't delete his entry from my cell's phone book. one day months after, i accepted the reality that he wasn't coming back, and i would never receive a call from that number again. i pushed the hardest button i felt i had ever pushed; delete. i wept, overcome with sadness.
why can't it just be the way it was?
the summer visits to p&c- we would pick out the biggest shrimp, thickest steaks, the freshest vegetables. the bbq would ignite, the flames roared. the smell was intoxicating to the soul.
after september, the bbq was only lit up once and the memories that flooded back overtook me. the very week it all happened a song was released on the radio- 'wake me up when september ends'. it seemed to say exactely what we were all feeling- sorrow, not wanting to accept the situation, and just wishing we were in a different time.
right now as it all flooded back to me, this song came on the radio. i thought about the jetskiing, bbq's, cars, smallville. tonight that show continues but he won't be here to watch it with me as we always did. it was the one night a week i knew i'd always see him- without fail.
the special memories won't be forgotten, but the hurt and pain seems to always come back. i wish things could be normal again--
but i won't live in the past, i'll look forward to the future with great anticipation of what the Lord can and will do. without fail.
posted by Kevin @ 1:19 PM
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